Why This Red Flag Should Be Everybody’s Deal Breaker

*This story may be triggering for those who have experienced sexual assault.

When I was in my early twenties, I met this guy who we’ll call Reece.

We met unconventionally. I was selling some items in a yard sale (back when that was more of a commonplace occurrence), and we hit it off. We messaged for a few weeks and then finally found the time to meet up for a drink.

Reece was intense. One of the first questions he asked me was what’s one thing nobody else knows about you that you wish they did. He wore a black T-shirt and had a tattoo just below the sleeve on his upper arm. Of what, I can’t remember now. But I was intrigued by him.

We went to a second bar where we sat close together on a cushioned bench. Reece leaned in. My lips met his. He touched the side of my face. I couldn’t help but smile.

When we left the bar, I said I was going to order a cab home and would love to see him again, but Reece didn’t want the night to end. Come on, he said. Let’s go back to yours.

I told him no. I wanted to go home myself, and I also didn’t want to hook up on the first night. Reece then asked if he could at least share a cab back with me since we lived in the same direction. We got to my place and Reece slipped out of the car.

One more drink at yours? he said. The cab pulled away.

I should have said no, but at this point, I didn’t really know how. I repeated again that we weren’t going to sleep together but he could come in for one and then had to leave.

We grabbed two glasses and sat in my living room with the door shut since my housemates were sleeping. I didn’t feel nervous — Reece was sitting reasonably away from me; we were just talking. But as we drank, he got closer and closer. Then, we were kissing again. Reece kept trying to undo my pants. I kept repeating I didn’t want to have sex.

Luckily, nothing did happen. He eventually gave up and left my house.

The next morning, I felt icky. Even though technically nothing had happened, it felt like it had. But worst of all? I felt bad. I felt like I should have slept with the guy. I felt like I “ruined” his night.

You will also likely be surprised to hear I did see Reece again after that. We ended up seeing each other for a few months. For a little while, it was fun. We got on well. But soon, those same tendencies I saw that evening revealed themselves in other, small ways. Eventually, we ended things.

But like that night, Reece couldn’t take no. He’d repeatedly text me asking if we could at least be hookup buddies. He’d text me months later just saying, hey. And even after I told him I was in a serious relationship and to stop messaging me, he responded with a, let me know when it’s ended.

What I realized later, thinking back to that first night we hung out, was that uneasy feeling inside wasn’t feelings of guilt. It was the feeling of someone crossing a boundary.

I said no repeatedly. I explained I didn’t want him to come back to my house. Yet he still did.

Reece didn’t listen to my “no,” and that should have been a red flag. If someone crosses a boundary once, they will do it again. It doesn’t need to be a sexual boundary; it can be a physical, mental, or emotional one, and it still isn’t okay.

This is not exclusive to romantic relationships either. If I tell a friend I don’t want to come to the party as I’m trying to take care of my mental health, and they guilt-trip and repeatedly try and get me to change my mind, that’s not okay.

When someone pushes our boundaries, it means they don’t respect us.

I also know what most readers are thinking: why did you let him into your house in the first place?

I have asked myself that question many times. The same way those who have experienced sexual assault blame themselves after, but should absolutely not.

What I did learn from the situation was that crossing a boundary is a red flag. If I met Reece in present time, I’d like to think I would not have seen him again after that first night. All we can do is learn from our experiences, good and bad.

I’m also learning to be better at setting boundaries. I’m learning to not feel guilty for it, either.

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”—Brené Brown

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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