“The Powers That Be” Are Takers, Not Givers

 

I’m a giver.

Giving Tuesday, after cyber Monday, became a holiday to assuage our guilt and gluttony. It’s a great day to feel better by giving to those in need after shopping, a week in sweats, and way too much food. Note: I am trying to curb my consumption but the Jewish calendar had other plans.

Being generous fills my bucket. Watching my kids open Chanukah gifts, I admittedly love hearing “mom is the best gift giver ever.” I give not out of guilt or obligation. I love seeing others shine and the “you get me, you see me” smile.

I come by giving honestly. It’s my enneagram (2’s, we’re givers) and my sign (Virgos, we know stuff). I am an INFJ (The Advocate). I give. I work. I give work-answers, and advocate for others.

It’s in my goddamn name. Emily — hardworking, industrious. Weltman — Man of the World. I am a hardworking humanist — which actually sums up social entrepreneurship perfectly.

As a giver, entrepreneur, and parent, I always feel behind. It was exacerbated by an unpaid “break” last week, then putting family first today. It was not my plan to take my kid from school to get his 2nd shot, then back to school, over 2 hours in midday. It wasn’t all bad; I got to see my sweet child’s smile, and thanks to scientists, I have a fully vaxxed kid!

Writer and gender equality advocate Eve Rodsky says “an hour at the pediatrician’s office holding a child’s hand is just as valuable as an hour in the boardroom.” As a fan and fellow fighter, I fully agree. I am also fully cooked. Stating boundaries over and over is more emotional labor on an already full plate. Sometimes we just give in. Ironic, isn’t it?

Finally after I got home, ate, and begrudgingly cleaned my kitchen, I sat down to work on a few Giving Tuesday posts. Giving Tuesday was made for altruistic do-gooders focused on “people and planet” over profit. Last year we launched Rage 2 Rainbows.

This year, I planned to amplify people getting way too little pr and compensation for their amazing work and share some coFLOWco updates and places to give.

Then I saw the news. One headline and that was that.

 

Whatever I thought I had left to give vanished; someone shot a giant hole in my bucket. Another fucking school massacre. This story should freeze humanity and as a nation it barely registered in my feed.

On a national day of giving, I couldn’t help but dwell on how much is taken without our consent. And, everytime we rally, more shots are fired.

I tried to “process” by writing, getting information, and making connections. I kept trying to come up with a “quick post” but wtf. After the two trials, I can’t really take much more.

I paused for dinner. I showered. I played a quick game. I paused for my post-vax kid’s meltdown. But honestly, I have been stuck writing till 1 am looking for answers. Where should I put my rage and where do I give after a day like today?

I can and will recommend countless causes and provide tons of free resources to make the world safer and more equitable. But after another High School shooting, I could not decide where to give. The ACLU? Everytown? I could try Guidestar. Would I find The One, a nonprofit that assures me, “We take your money and use it to end White Supremacy and Patriarchy.”

To my knowledge that doesn’t exist, yet. Perhaps by Giving Tuesday 2022, we’ll be up and running.

Giving Wednesday, 12:58 am.

A gift I was not granted; the ability to pretend like everything is fine. To turn off. To just let it be. To stop talking.

What can I give? 100% bullshit-free rants, every single time.

My kids will tell you, I give my opinions freely, even when there are no takers. I try to articulate what many of us are feeling, give my own spin, and give solidarity and commiseration, if nothing else.

Like my kids, I like explanations when I am confused. I also love teaching and will always explain how I arrived at an idea. I am almost always Emily, “on brand” and intentional, ironically without a lot of consideration.

I always have a reason, if you ask I find I always have a solid answer. I expect the same from others, especially when I am not the driver. I want to know what you’re doing and why before I agree to proceed. Don’t expect me to take orders without information and consent.

If I don’t get something, I will ask again. I don’t nod and pretend to “get it” or to be “fine.” Right now I will tell you, I have zero fucks left.

You better have a good reason why I should listen and why you’re way is better.

Unfortunately Patriarchy and White Supremacy do not like to give explanations. They will not tell me why they carry on like this. They don’t need “reasons” when they have religion. They don’t need logic when they can give platitudes and thoughts and prayers.

They cannot make it make sense. It’s not that we didn’t ask; they just didn’t feel like talking.

…

Not talking but never not taking.

1,770 K-12 School Shootings with nearly 600 people killed since the decade I was born. White boys raised on toxic masculinity and pride have taken countless lives, and they were not moved, not even by Sandy Hook.

The only gift cops allow domestic terrorists is their right to live (if they’re a white male), taken away peacefully in handcuffs. They only give that treatment to their own. For Black and Brown bodies, capital punishment over smaller crimes is far more likely.

960 police shootings in 2021. They have taken almost 1000 American lives, many from unarmed kids. (And Black or Brown people were at least 4x more likely to be shot while their family’s receive very few answers.)

They keep taking down our damn posts. They keep censoring Black womxn.

They tried to take Democracy; they took the capitol.

They took Christine’s Testimony. Insead of giving her justice and respect, they took the Supreme Court.

They called AOC a bitch.

They called Greta mentally ill. They straight up ignored Mari and Flint.

They covered up hundreds of cases of sexual assault of gymnasts, exploiting girls bodies in more ways than one for gold medals. For the brave testimony they took with zero compassion against Larry Nassar, they gave nothing in return. It wasn’t until the women pressed, that they talked about it again, did they even give an apology.

They take our money — cash, crypto and credit — so long as they can give us little in return.

140 “Ultra-Rich” found ways to take PPP for their million dollar businesses, giving nothing to 95% of Black owned businesses. 40% of them closed since March 2020.

They signed giving pledges, but continue to take in more income and dividends, giving slower than their gaining. The 1% hold the majority of wealth in their double fists, yet to date they have not given us a good enough reason why Billionaires should exist.

These same men claim they’re the reason Americans can build back better. Then in September they took away extended unemployment benefits for millions of Americans. 10 million kids still live in poverty, down 2 million thanks to this new administration’s stimulus and child tax credits.

They try to take our freedom and our health.

They limit abortion access, voting, and our essential work doesn’t pay a living wage.

The Mississippi case is coming to the Supreme Court Monday and judges are ready to take away our choice.

The GOP found a loophole blocking the restoration of voting rights to 4 million Florida prisoners.

They took ALL the resources. They ignored our pleas and gave us global warming. We asked for help. They used COP 26 as a photo op.

Anti-vaxxers, rather than give in, even 2 years into a pandemic and a new variant, take hospital resources over vaccines.

“The Powers That Be” — White Supremacy and Patriarchy — love to take; capitalism thrives on exploiting others.

Corporate America takes our labor; startups take our ideas and all the funding.

They haven’t stopped us from giving, donating our last dime. The poorest give to each other and give the most. We give without being asked, and often hear “Well, I didn’t ask you to do that.”

And we have “human giver syndrome.”

Even as we’re bleary eyed, we lament: have we given them enough today? They have taken so much from our kids; we blame ourselves.

We take the racism, sexism, and misogyny, unequal pay, sexual harassment, no paid leave (fuck the 4 weeks) or birth control. We take rape, online harassment, stretch marks, and a pink tax, with a chaser of bedtime procrastination.

We volunteer free labor for those who need help. Free advice to make it through the gauntlet. We share our ideas on open source sites and unpaid panels.

Free art to inspire our communities. Free content for these platforms that make money from “giving” us Ads. Free care work.

We give everything we have (women give over 97% of their income back into their families and communities). We swear not to be martyrs like our mothers as we give till we bleed. And they still find ways to blame us when they screw up. (She made me do it. She wore something short. She teased me. She was intimidating.)

They posture about “purpose” and give platitudes instead of progress. They take our RFP responses, our estimates, our quotes, our suggestions and plans. They take our grant applications and 15 page proposals and give an automated thanks but not thanks.

For our hard labor, they take our time but cut our budget. They rescind job offers, then penalize us for not doing more. They tell us we should “be grateful for the offer.”

They take our opportunities, sleep and sanity. Then they question why we are always so sick, so tired, so stressed, so angry. Their gaslighting is the one gift that keeps on giving.

Before you give or take, just ask.

If I read one more time how “women (especially Black and Latinx women) bear the brunt” of this god damn pandemic, my head will explode.

No shit! No one offered an alternative. (When we can actually fit in our “work” guess what we’re trying to create?!)

They take as they always have, with or without consent. What we want seems irrelevant. They rarely ask what we need.

If they give, it’s often a surprise. And, even if it’s not a welcome one, we’re expected to thank our benevolent ruler and smile. That is what they expect from us: to have zero opinions or desires of our own.

Lucky for you, remember I always have opinions and share them liberally.

I want choice over my body, to define what it looks like to be healthy.

I want to be asked again, even if I already said yes.

I want NO to be a full sentence.

I want my voice to be enough and not “too much.”

I want to go to a movie theater without needing a xanax.

I want less door codes to keep them out, and more keys to let them in.

I want them to listen and care. I want them to give a shit. I want them to get derailed and fall behind when the news is too much.

I want them to get emotional.

I am all out of fucks. I want them to give a shit so I can take a g.d. nap.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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